This blog was started to sort out the crash and burn feelings of a failed relationship. He won't talk to me so I've decided to talk to the world. My story is not unique. So if you think you recognize yourself or someone you know, please, check your perceptions. All names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

Love is a hormone induced state of being. The emotional high is incredibly addictive. Like most junkies I craved that next hit. Like most junkies, mainlining Gabriel almost destroyed me. There are no 12 step programs for this kind of thing. I did it by becoming a friend of JC. The bible became my 'big book', the Holy Spirit, my sponsor,

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Chapter 15

My king has many talents, not the least of which is the ability to inspire trust. For a woman like me trust is a complex issue. I ain’t got no problem with roses, it’s all them damn thorns that get in my way. Gabriel may be my Rose of Sharon, but …

He provokes me with hilarious tales of human frailty, deftly weaving a story line that makes champagne giggles bubble in my chest. Gabriel hits me with a punch line that knocks me out. I explode in laughter. He’s bopping around the room like a chicken with no head. His gift of mimicry enables me to really hear the guys at work, his cronies from the past, all stuck on stupid. I can’t help it. The man is too funny. He should be empowered to tell his forever stories, forever more. Except …

Except, this is not funny. The voices in his head are real. He keeps a mental ledger of each misdemeanor, every transgression, committed against his ego. Seated on his throne of self-righteous indignation, Gabriel bides his time. Wanting to exact judgment, he waits patiently to punish some undeserving soul. He wants the world to join him in purgatory. Suddenly, I get this weird sensation, a lizard slithering up the back of my neck. The grimace of a cartoon villain erupting across his lower jaw chills me to the bone. Damn.

He should have told me he was bipolar. He should have told me he was schizoaffective. Don’t he know I got his back? Or is he paranoid too? What does love mean to this man? This is not what I had in mind when I asked God, the Father, to provide for my needs.

Our Father, since you’re in heaven

To whom should I assign the blame?

Till kingdom come

Why must I run

Dodging arrows of shame

Give me this day

The peace of the dead

And forgive me

As I cannot forgive myself

Instead of temptation

Deliver me from deprivation

If they choose not to love

For I have no kingdom

No power

No glory

Other then I find in You

Amen

He claims I am obsessed, but I remember. I remember Gabriel showing signs and symptoms of psychosis.